Off-Third: How to stalk campus celebrities

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

In my four years at NYU, I’ve heard no lack of campus celebrity gossip. From foreign princes to STD-transmitting A-listers, there’s a flavor for everyone. Whether engaging in the conversations yourself or simply hearing the clamor across campus, I know none of you are immune to the murmur. Most of us have had our fair share of brief encounters with famous names while navigating city life.

At NYU, celebrity meet-cutes don’t just happen on a street corner — students might be lucky enough to take classes with TikTok influencers, B-list nepo babies and major stars! The only thing more inevitable than running into a celebrity here is the annual tuition hike.

It can be difficult to navigate celebrities and their private security entourage — or worse, their pesky “need for privacy.” In times like these, it becomes necessary to take matters into your own hands. Federal crime? More like … shmederal blime. Yeah.

But don’t worry, I’m not talking about restraining order levels of stalking — that would be toooooootally out of line. We’re aiming for the sweet spot here: not psycho, but just uncomfortable enough to make them wonder if they should switch schools. This is your step-by-step guide to becoming a world-class NYU celebrity stalker.

The hardest part of jumpstarting your stalker-persona is locating your target. In a huge school within an even larger city, there are many potential hiding spots for our famed peers. This is why it’s important that you secure the necessary gear first: invest in a good pair of binoculars. After all, nothing beats a restraining order like distance and binoculars! 

If you really wanna go big pimpin’, a “Mission: Impossible”-grade rappelling kit and spiked boots will help you scale and descend the side of the Stern School of Business when you’re on a clandestine mission. Nice try, Sternies, but you’re not safe — even in your coloring book class on the fourth floor.

For elite stalkers, I suggest utilizing the underground student-schedule black market — don’t pretend you haven’t heard of it. Since the celebs in question are fellow students, they must be taking classes, and luckily, you have a treasure trove of modern-day espionage tools at your disposal! From LinkedIn connections to the Brightspace’s class list function, you have the power to locate your peers. 

Once you’ve acquired your subject’s schedule, the next step is easy — find and engage. With an NYU ID that will grant you access to most buildings on campus, you can get your eyes on any celebrity — no matter their desire for anonymity. Sorry buddy, but the future is now. No privacy for you! 

The golden rule here is location, location, location. I would suggest showing up to the classroom with the fewest exits. Hang around before their class ends so you can get a prime scouting spot, and, if feeling bold, follow them out of the building as well. Not in a call-the-cops way, but more like, “Oh, what a coincidence, I’m also going this way even though I live on the opposite side of the city!” type of way. If they duck into a coffee shop? Guess what, you’re getting coffee now, too. Life is wild like that!

For your first stalking sesh, subtlety is key. You see, the art of stalking is all about the slow burn. Hang back, keep your distance and try to act nonchalant. Think sultry gaze from across the quad, rather than direct eye contact through binoculars. Over time, they may start recognizing you and asking “Why do I see you everywhere?” This is a good sign; it means they’re starting to warm up to you.

Once you have achieved the status of familiar creep, it’s time to up the ante. Follow them home. Hide under their bed. Wear the skin of their relatives and come to them as a friendly face. 

There are a few ways to proceed following your first successful stalking excursion. Go full TMZ. You’re a freelance journalist, not a federal criminal. You’re doing this for the story. Go crazy with the shaky phone footage. Ask them bizarre questions, including but not limited to: “Where were you on Jan. 6? Did you catch the big game last night?” When in doubt, just tell people it’s not stalking, it’s investigative journalism.

Pro-Tip: Be sure to plaster your most star-struck and shameless expression on when observing the student, extra points for lack of blinking. Maybe throw in a bit of shaky breathing just to sell it. Slowly, the student will become used to your eerie presence and may even be forced to look in your direction — success! After a few weeks, they’ll either file a restraining order or finally acknowledge your presence with a half-nod. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Swoon. Cry. Write a Snapchat post about how you’re practically best friends now.

So you’ve been caught stalking, and now you’re on the lam. That’s fine, setbacks are a part of life. Toss out your cell phone before those pesky homewreckers — also known as the FBI — track you down and get between you and your boo. Who needs the amenities of modern life when you have an untraceable log cabin in the woods littered with photos of your one and only true love? If you’ve done your job right, you might even have a companion for your protracted vacation in the woods. Say goodbye to Hollywood, Timothée!

To avoid this outcome, it’s important to always remember the golden rule of stalking: don’t get caught. Silly them, expecting to get an education without encountering hordes of their peers-turned-paparazzi.

Happy hunting!

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Ivy St. Clair at [email protected].